I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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