Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
