Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
