a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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