he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
