I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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