I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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