Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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