Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
a search helicopter?!
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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