he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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