At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i came on her dog
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
