i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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