i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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