i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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