YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
