im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
