So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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