i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
