So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
