I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
