hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
