I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
