Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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