My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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