You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
