when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
