omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize