I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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