DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
why do cheetos always look like penises
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
