Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
