i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
