My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
what the fuck happened to the tacos
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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