You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
