youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
