Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
