I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
