Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
