i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
