guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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