omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
