If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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