You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
