sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
