apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
