make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
