just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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