I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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