take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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