i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
