I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
