you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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