Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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