I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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