On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
