apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
