when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
