Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
